Goldfish, A Review

Liam Queneau, Reporter

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 Popular snack food Goldfish has become a staple of lunches around the world, due to the wide variety of flavors and textures available but which flavor tops the rest? Through a survey of students and personal preference, I’ve created two lists, ranking each flavor currently available. 

The Good

  1. Parmesan
    1. Don’t mess with Parmesan. Easily the best flavor, these tiny, fish shaped crackers satisfy the taste buds to no end. Don’t let their simple, off-white color turn you off of this king of snack foods, widely considered the winner by the staff of the Hellgate Lance.
  2. Flavor-Blasted
    1. A fantastic take on one of the classic flavors, the Flavor-Blasted Goldfish series takes second place. The FBG takes the normal Goldfish, then throws in delicious flavored dust that improves the overall flavor of the snack.
  3. Colored
    1. The colored Goldfish features a variety of different colors, hinting at the possibility of different flavors. Though they all taste the same, we can still believe that they’re all different.
  4. Original
    1. Always the classic, Original is still a good flavor. Not as exciting as other flavors color-wise, Original has a solid flavor nonetheless, with subtle salting and nice crunch. Don’t look past Original Goldfish for a good snack!

The Bad

  1. Pretzel
    1. I considered Pretzel Goldfish for the “good” list, but they just simply doesn’t make the cut. The goldfish themselves just aren’t, and don’t match the textural quality and flavor precision of other, better flavors.
  2. Mix
    1. Just pick a flavor and move on, please. 
  3. Pizza
    1. Pizza Goldfish do not taste good. It’s that simple. They try too hard to incorporate a multitude of flavors into the mix that just don’t taste well together. Either fix the mix or ditch the Fish. 
  4. Epic Crunch
    1. Epic Crunch Goldfish were introduced recently, with an entirely different take on the Goldfish we all know and love. EPG are significantly larger, have a completely new variety of flavors, and bring a completely different texture to the table. Every single one of these factors are what makes these Goldfish bad. The bigger size hurts the appeal of the snack, as you can’t fit as many in your mouth at the same time (an obvious factor to consider). The new flavors that these Goldfish have simply just don’t taste good, despite the appeal of the flavors (Honey BBQ, Ranch, and Nacho). Lastly, the most disappointing factor is the texture. Epic Crunch Goldfish have a hard outside shell, much harder than the normal soft crunch of regular Goldfish. Along with this, they’re hollow on the inside, meaning that once you bite into this Goldfish, you crunch through the whole big thing, an overall not fantastic experience.
  5. Baked
    1. The reason we all love Goldfish is because of the fattiness of the snack. The Baked line of Goldfish takes all of that away from us, replacing the ingredients we love with whole wheat. The addition of whole wheat to the equation that is the flavor of Goldfish throws everything out of balance. The flavors just aren’t the same, aren’t as intense, and not as good. 
  6. Grahams
    1. Goldfish are meant to be salty, not sweet, and the attempt at trying to make the snack something they’re not destroys the entire experience of eating them. Are they dessert? Are they a snack? A whole meal? We’ll never know, as they don’t deserve to be consumed by anyone.

     In conclusion, the best flavors of Goldfish are mostly all of the original flavors, the ones that we’ve known and loved our whole lives. Where goldfish go wrong is when they take something a flavor that’s already perfect and try to turn it into something it’s not. Prime examples of this include the Epic Crunch and Baked Goldfish, in which they altered the recipe to make unsatisfying snacks.