Nobody Cares About Your Airpods


Matthew Knight, Editor-in-Chief

     As we all return from winter break, you might begin to recognize differences in your once familiar peers. Whisked away for the holidays, you’ve likely not seen them in weeks and, in that time, perhaps they’ve gotten a haircut, maybe gotten new clothes or, if the worst scenario comes to fruition, they’ve begun sporting the AirPods they’ve received for Christmas. These spiritually gaudy, overpriced headphones first released in the winter of 2016, and the world had no idea what was in store.

     In a year which saw the loss of Prince, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, and, yes, even that god-forsaken gorilla, I can still say without a doubt that this release was the greatest tragedy 2016 suffered. A tragedy not for the technology which it introduced and demonstrated (which was admittedly exciting at the time) but for the people and subsequent culture which it attracted and, eventually, defined. For the purpose of this article, we’ll refer to them as ‘poddies’. So what is it about these slippery, microscopic, abominations that are so appealing to poddies; particularly those whose Instagram bio describes them as an ‘entrepreneur’, ‘world-traveler’, or an ‘aspiring’ anything.

     Let me get something straight, simply owning AirPods does not automatically make you a ‘poddy’, however, if I so much as hear the word “air” come from your mouth in a sentence unrelated to air travel, air fresheners, or even air guitar you will be irreversibly labeled as such. Poddies are like blood-sucking leeches, thirsty for your attention. Give it to them, and they’ll suck you dry of self-worth and $159 when you inevitably join their ranks. If you have nothing more interesting to discuss than your earwax infested, likely disease-ridden headphones and how well they fit than no amount of AirPods will grant you the validation that you clearly desire. Now could it be that these headphones are the single most revolutionary and important technology to be developed since the discovery of fire?

     Is it possible that my feeble-minded perspective, never having been so blessed to adorn the holy AirPods couldn’t begin the fathom the vastness of its glory? Likely not. But I’ll entertain the notion if you’ll entertain mine. My notion is this: in a patently desperate attempt to garner an intangible social currency, you pleaded to your parents that you need these, subtly waging your love for them in the process. You woke up on Christmas morning already knowing what awaited you and have been wearing them ever since. You listened to so much music. You listened to too much music. You realized you don’t even like music. Now you just wear them without any sound. You have isolated yourself from everyone, from everything. But at least you have your AirPods.